You know those times…

…when you feel like a total newbie because you are a total newbie? So, I think I posted that I started a youtube channel a few weeks ago. and that I have an Instagram @hummingbirdhillhomespun. Both of these things are new to me. Not that technology or social media are new, but these platforms are not places where I have played much before.

You see, I started watching a ton of gardening videos last spring after I built my raised garden beds. I figured that I might want to figure out how to really garden in raised beds since I haven’t done so before. Step in–YouTube. Sure, I used youtube when I lived in China to watch BBC antiques shows of all sorts, and I also watch TedTALKS, but for the most part, youtube and I were not super friendly when I started with the garden videos. Fast forward to to now and starting a YouTube channel.

Why on earth would anyone in her right mind who is my age, has a job, has ten acres to figure out what to do with, and has a momma with stage four cancer start social media like she was some sort of whippersnapper who is going to dress up in mom jeans and take photos in exotic places to demonstrate her French tucked t-shirt skills? (I told you I somehow wound up with a bunch of fashion videos in my feed…I may have clicked on one or two. I blame winter, the garden blogs are a bit slow! Oh, and I got rid of cable last August…so there’s that too.). You ask a really good question. The thing is, I have been waiting around for a while now. A long while. Since before momma got this final round of cancer, I have been waiting on other folks to make up their minds and make plans so we can move forward. Well, I think I already told you that I got a divorce last summer. Twelve years of waiting was enough I guess.

The trouble is, there’s no radical reboot to life. I’m still waiting. And frankly, I’m ok with waiting longer so I get to spend more time with mom. But I’ve gotten to the place where I feel like I have to do something while I’m waiting. Gardening is great. I am more obsessed with plants than I ever have been. I have seed packets hidden in safe places where I may never find them…don’t worry, I still have plenty of seeds. The trouble with waiting is that it is really what has been at the root of all of my grumpy. I don’t like waiting. So, now I don’t have to.

Except, I have gotten so in the habit of waiting that I have pretty much forgotten how to kick myself in the pants and make things happen. When it comes to work, I’ve got that covered. I get things done. When it comes to my life…I became a sitter. A waiter. A whatever happens sort of thinker. That is not who I was. It is not who I want to be. But I’m still waiting. And some of that waiting has to happen, like I said…mom. The other waiting? Twelve years of not moving forward stuck me in existential quicksand more firmly than any sort of super glue could ever do.

I suppose YouTube is rather like my superglue remover. If I say I am going to make at least one video a week, I actually have to do something in order to have something to film. And, since I refuse to resort to unboxing clothing in an attempt to brainwash more folks into buying more things they don’t need, the best thing I have to make videos about is the garden. Which is super handy, since something ALWAYS needs to be done in or for the garden. (Actually, I did just get a new LED growlight for my seedlings, and I opened it for the video I will post next week…but something in the universe really doesn’t want me to unbox anything on YouTube as the sound did not record at all! This could also be due to the fact that I film on my iPhone and got a call. I’m pretty sure I figured out that is what ruined my sound. ahem)

(This is also not to say that I will never unbox anything ever…just someone please smack me upside the head and call me Sally if I think about unboxing clothes on my garden channel!)

So, I’m working on getting as unstuck as I can while I am actually literally stuck still. I know, someone is thinking, “Well, no one is forcing you to stay around with your mom you know.” Right. She’s my mom. Sheesh. I am making the choice to stay because I want to do so, that still doesn’t mean that most of my options aren’t cut off due to that one choice which I made because, SHE’S my MOM! ahem.

Now, there’s YouTube. There’s a garden. And there’s me trying to muddle along and not make a total fool of myself in the process. But really, if I do make a fool of myself because I mess something up, or don’t film properly, or cannot edit worth beans, or my sound doesn’t work…I guess that’s just a great opportunity for me to get growing a little bit better. To have a problem to solve. To have something to do which helps loosen up my quicksand and turn it into a path worth walking.

After all, any path worth walking has a few bumps and turns in it to make things more interesting, right? That’s what I’m telling myself at least.

If you feel inclined to do so, pop over to my youtube channel and take a look at a video or two. Leave a comment. Help this human get herself moving a little farther away from grumpy with each little click of the keyboard.

Thanks for stopping by…come back again!

Amy of Hummingbird Hill


Amy of Hummingbird Hill View All →

I’m just someone trying to figure out how to juggle ten acres, work, a mama with stage four cancer, and a whole lot of grumpy. This blog started out as “Grumpy Gal’s Guide to Gratitude,” but since all I really keep typing about is the garden, I figured I might as well own it! So, thanks for joining me as I try and figure out how the heck to kick myself in the booty and get on with life.

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