Today I started back to work after a year of hanging with mom as she battles stage four cancer like David taking on Goliath. Only in this case, Goliath has brought seven of his giant friends, a few Howitzers, and some other assorted weapons to the battle. She’s gotten two and a half more years than the doctors expected, but she figures about six more months will be all of the battling she can take on. She’s got some cancer spots growing in her skull and her spine that make her say things like, “If I can’t tell you later, you may need to get me to Hope Village.”
She finished crocheting my star shaped blanket a week or so ago. We picked the yarns together, and she wove just about all of the love she possibly could into each stitch. There’s something to be said for having someone around who thinks you are just about the most amazing creature ever. I know it’s not true, but I guess I can’t/shouldn’t try to deny someone their perspective just because I think that perspective is only slightly…ok…mostly biased. I guess there’s just something about giving birth which leads some people to huge cases of biased adoration.
I think that adoration is what annoys me so much about her sometimes. Which seems ridiculous, right? “You love me so darn much it annoys me, mom.” What a ridiculous thing to complain about. Serious grumping there. However, I think the grump comes from knowing/thinking that I am so far away from deserving that kind of adoration. Plus, she likes to brag on me a lot…that part really is annoying. And I think this might be something of a normal human thing, unless we are dealing with self-absorbed booger-heads, which makes it really hard for us to take on the good things people say about us when we know how far away we are from who we think we can/should be. Maybe it’s just me, but I have a feeling that there are other humans out there who feel frustrated by blind adoration when we aren’t so fond of ourselves.
I’m a decent person. I help old people carry things when I see they need help. I help gather clothes for the homeless. I am kind to animals. I am kind to most people even if I don’t like them. I keep my word. I work hard. Unless I’m going through a year of grump and then I hardly work on the things I need to work on, so I grump about that too. I could list so many more things which are the sorts of things which make a person decent. I am just pretty sure that there is a lot more I could/should be doing in so many areas of my life. And then I think, and I might as well type it, “Self indulgent much? Sheesh!”
So today’s first few hours of work meant that I didn’t spend as much time watering my garden as usual in the AM. I got up, got dressed for work, fed the animals while trying not to slop the horse’s mash on my dress, and dashed down to the garden for watering before I had to drive off. I skimped on the water. I did not really know this until I went to grab some basil around 5:30 after I got home and I saw that my full and juicy lemon cucumber plants had turned into floppy and ragged specimens. AHHHHHH. It’s a good thing there is no such thing as climate change, because these 29+ days over 90F in Oregon sure make it more of a challenge to keep plants alive. Those days, coupled with the smoke from so many wildfires, makes a person want to curl up and just let the cucumbers keep on wilting.
Well, I really have no desire to let the cucumbers wilt, so I doused the whole garden with water since tomorrow I have to leave earlier for another day of “welcome to your new job” such and so. I do not need welcomed, but money is helpful, thus I am going to the non-mandatory day. I will be oriented. I am doing my best to be mostly positive about such things. I may not be doing as well at doing my best as I could do if doing my best were something I wanted to do when it comes to meetings which waste time and accomplish nothing. Fortunately, I am excellent at looking as if I am taking notes when people read word for word from powerpoint presentations with no further embellishments when they have also printed and handed out said powerpoint presentations. Since I am a super fast reader and can read (and fully understand) a decent powerpoint slide in about three seconds, I doodle a lot and write really cheesy poems in the minutes the presenters waste reading slides which could have been sent out in an email. Not that I am grumpy about such presentations.
Ok, I am grumpy about such presentations. But, the quality of my doodles has improved so much during such presentations that I can’t really complain. Much.
I am hoping it is cooler soon. I have a friend coming to help clean the barn on Friday. The barn is wrapped in layers of spiderwebs so thick that they feel like cloth if you are unlucky enough to brush against one. Spring cleaning moved to fall this year, and dusting is needed. A lot of dusting. And sweeping. And figuring out where to put all of the things that need to go somewhere that is not the barn.
I added a video of the garden in my last post, but I’m pretty sure that no one could hear a word I was saying. I am going to post another one. I have figured out how to fiddle with the volume, if the program saves it (which means if I save the file correctly…of course). The volume is still quiet. This video is from July 10th. The sky was blue then. Not smoke filled. I’m grateful that there are days when the sky is as blue as it was in July. (I am not grateful for bad powerpoint presentations…nope. Just not possible!)
(OH! The transplanted cucumber plants in the video are the same poor cucumber plants which wilted today. Since I am picking 7-10 cucumbers a day from them, I feel pretty darn terrible that they struggled again today.)
(OH AGAIN! If you can hear better in this video can you leave me a comment and let me know? I’m not sure why I started this video thing…but I have a few. I may keep posting them if anyone likes them.)
I'm just someone trying to figure out how to juggle ten acres, work, a mama with stage four cancer, and a whole lot of grumpy. This blog started out as "Grumpy Gal's Guide to Gratitude," but since all I really keep typing about is the garden, I figured I might as well own it! So, thanks for joining me as I try and figure out how the heck to kick myself in the booty and get on with life.