…it was a creepy sort of feeling. The sort of feeling one usually only gets when facing down a giant clown (if one is afraid of clowns). There were no clowns in this scenario though, except me. (I actually took a clowning class in college. I have a red nose.) I mentioned being followed and suddenly, four more little notes popped into my inbox. “So and so is now following your blog…” AHHHHHHHH.
I got nervous. I had to do the dishes and make the Kongs for the puppy. I panicked. I posted something old I wrote about bunnies made of dust. It had nothing to do with gratitude. There was no guide (except for the general advice that perhaps cleaning under the bed a little more often might be helpful). In reality, none of this has to do with gratitude. I’m doing a terrible job of jotting down things each day that I am grateful for. Obviously, since I’m not doing the whole gratitude thing correctly, I have no cause to whine and moan about the gratitude thing not working. If I’m not doing it, it cannot work. I know this. The general grump I’m in knows this as well and is delighted when I let myself be distracted by such things as remodeling, and dishes, and dust bunnies, and the dumpster being picked up at 6:45 AM this morning. (The spouse just had to leave his truck in FRONT of the dumpster…yup. That was a wake up call at 6:45 AM I wasn’t expecting. Still, I am so grateful they waited and called so the dumpster could be picked up and we didn’t have to pay for an extra day. ahem.)
I have an interview tomorrow for a job abroad again. The problem with that, is that I am considering it because it is highly likely that mom will not be here in July when the job starts. Isn’t that a crazy thing to consider? I’d much prefer that mom was still here and I found a job that I cared about doing somewhere closer to the chickens and donkeys, but I haven’t had much luck with that sort of future searching of late.
It used to be that when I made huge major moves in my life, I knew when the time was right and I just had a feeling about things. I changed colleges after my sophomore year because of that sort of feeling. I graduated a semester early from both high school and college because of that sort of feeling. I moved to NYC after college because of that sort of feeling. I don’t know where that sort of feeling went. It was the right sort of feeling. I get that sort of feeling occasionally now. I knew that if I turned in my cover letter for the job in China I would be hired. I was hired. That sort of thing.
My mom would say I kind of got lost after 9/11. I moved home from NYC a year after and she said I was sorta broken. There’s a long story there. But it doesn’t have much to do with gratitude. Or it does, but not in a way I can jot down in five simple little bullet points which are clear and easy and designed to make me feel so grateful that I am still around to keep on plugging away at a life which, in the scheme of things means very little.
There are some people out there who define success only on how much monetary worth a human has. Those sorts of people have no qualms about using other humans to help themselves gain more and more wealth. After all, the humans with the most toys win, right? I am not one of those people. But it gets hard sometimes to fight against the notion that I am of no value in the world because, although I have been working since the age of twelve, doing the right things, going to school, progressing through the little tick box list of life, I still have not done enough/do not have enough money to be considered worthy of existing and being valued. Sure, I’m worth using for my skills and talents if those skills and talents help someone else progress up the money ladder, but I have no value in some people’s realities other than how much I can be used as a tool.
Ok, so I used to be told I was too optimistic. Funny, right? Right now I’m fighting letting this funk consume the belief I used to hold in the innate goodness of people. I’m fighting letting this grump stop me from moving forward. I’m not doing a good job. But I’m working at it. I’m also working on cooking dinner at the moment, so I had better go check and see if things are burning.