…is a time which is almost as exciting as 12:34. 11:11 is also the time I began typing this post. It is now 11:12, so all the potential magic of 11:11 is gone. Since I’ve never heard anyone comment upon the amazing nature of 11:12, I feel as if I have missed a rather lovely opportunity for creating something outstanding in that one small minute. Well, twenty seconds really. I didn’t actually open up the browser and start typing until 11:11 was almost over.
Time is something which has been playing on my mind rather a lot of late. Time and worth. Value. As an unemployed female, my worth is far less than it has ever been in my life. Since there are those out there who actually rank humanity on a scale of how much money they possess/future earning potential, I am currently one of the biggest failures I know. At least in that scale of humanity’s worth.
In this whole gratitude thing, I am attempting to look at this time I have had to spend with my mother and help my father as an amazing gift. After all, I did choose to give up a rather exciting job in China to be home with the parents as mom works on her transition out of this reality. So, my state of worthlessness (at least in a monetary sense), is a choice I made. Despite my selecting this state for an excellent reason, that does not diminish the fact that I have somehow bought into the idea that, without some sort of focus on money or work, my life and all of the things I have done have very little value to anyone.
So, there is this battle I keep putting myself through–my monetary value is diminished, so I am worthless. My being here to help my parents is priceless, so I should be so excited about the choice I have made, but since I have no money coming in, aren’t I the biggest sort of burden? This round and round and round of figuring out what life will be like without a mother keeps knocking me off of any platform of gratitude I am halfheartedly building. Ugh.
Last week, I started applying to jobs I don’t much care about. I got called in for an interview for one position last Friday. When I looked up the office, the reviews were horrible. They talked about files strewn everywhere, huge wait times, and a doctor who treated his office staff as if they were unskilled children. I almost didn’t go to the interview. But, I did. I figured that people have bad days, so perhaps things were not the way they seemed. Plus, the receptionist who I talked with about the job seemed as if she would be a great person with whom to work.
On Monday, I went in. The first thing I noticed was that files were strewn everywhere. There were two people waiting in the lobby. The receptionist was really awesome, but had hurt her ribs the night before in a fall. She hobbled a bit. Long story short, I found a moment to ask her about how long she had worked in the office. Seven months. I asked her if it was a place worth working. She sat beside me and told me that two other people had been hired and quit in the month of December. She herself was on the way out. I told her I would have loved to work with her, but that I was going to head out before I talked to the doctor. She said that was a wise choice.
Is there value in having money if one is treated like a replaceable tool? It is no wonder that the doctor’s office is a mess and clients have to wait if he treats the folks who are there to make his office run smoothly as if they are foolish and worthless. Since I’m already feeling worthless, I didn’t really want to add to that feeling by being degraded at a place of work. Ugh again. Apparently this is not something the doctor has learned since his negative reviews go back to 2011.
Speaking of negative reviews, I need to give myself a kick in the pants. Perhaps if I start next morning off with a good kick, I will not let myself get caught in the cycle of doubt and grump which seems to keep sucking me back in. I’ll keep you posted.
(Side note: Mom has decided that the three baby peepers are going to be Snap, Crackle. and Pop. They all look too much alike to have names which are individual. Those bold chickerbockers have ventured down the hill for the first time this week. Now that they have discovered that extra seeds are to be found under the bird feeder downstairs, they are making their journey a daily one. Jesse and Nibbles are not terribly fond of the new peepers still. As Buff Orpingtons, those ladies were two of our quickest seed grabbers. Snap, Crackle, and Pop are giving them a run for their money at the moment. More chicken drama is sure to unfold!)
I’m just someone trying to figure out how to juggle ten acres, work, a mama with stage four cancer, and a whole lot of grumpy. This blog started out as “Grumpy Gal’s Guide to Gratitude,” but since all I really keep typing about is the garden, I figured I might as well own it! So, thanks for joining me as I try and figure out how the heck to kick myself in the booty and get on with life.